Fighting yourself in the pursuit of love

At my core I have a deeply engrained self-loathing. My own analysis concludes that when my sister was adopted when I was only 2 years old, I must have subconsciously concluded that it was because I wasn’t good enough. I also developed a jealousy towards my sister, as she did towards me. This is aContinue reading “Fighting yourself in the pursuit of love”

Victims and perpetrators

In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator’s first line of defence. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. Herman (1992*, p. 8) These are the first lines of a chapter in my learning materialsContinue reading “Victims and perpetrators”

The attraction of rejection

Since my separation and divorce from my ex-husband I have not had a serious relationship with anyone else. I got hurt so badly that I decided it would be best to be alone. Not in the least because I nearly lost my children and I wanted to protect them from any more trauma. But slowlyContinue reading “The attraction of rejection”

Isolation

Being and feeling isolated is a common theme for anyone who is a little different from the norm. Especially people with mental health issues or from the LGBTQ+ community can experience this. As I tick both those boxes and I also am a single parent and a student studying from home it is extra difficultContinue reading “Isolation”

Defining love

As a severely emotionally damaged person, it is hard to get my head around the concept of love. I only know dysfunctional love, which in my book is no love at all. When I was thinking about this I could come up with two essential ingredients; trust and equal distribution of power. To start withContinue reading “Defining love”

The alcoholic roundabout

When you grow up having to take up the role of parent as a child, it instils this belief that you always have to care for others and forget about your own needs. But also, being emotionally neglected you have this gaping hole inside you that needs to be filled with love. Anything will do.Continue reading “The alcoholic roundabout”

Domestic Violence (Trigger Warning)

In my 46 years I have encountered and experienced a lot of domestic violence and sexual abuse. As a child by my parents and later by men, who often called themselves ‘friends’ or ‘boyfriends’ and later ‘partner’ and ‘husband’. I don’t want you to think as me as a victim, because I haven’t always turnedContinue reading “Domestic Violence (Trigger Warning)”