A New Name

As we approach ever deeper into summer, which doesn’t seem to express itself as such, the weather matches my thoughts as I go deeper into my transitioning journey.

But before I go into that, I do feel I owe you a small apology for leaving it so long since the last post. I do however have a good excuse. You might have looked around on my website and found a lot of changes. I have created a web shop called ‘Gif-shop‘ where I intend to sell my artwork on prints, mugs and even t-shirts. But this has had some unforeseen consequences, namely I have had to become a bit of an IT expert as all the big platforms (Google, Facebook, Instagram etc.) have extremely tight rules for small businesses like mine. Anyway, I spare you the details, I just wanted to let you know I haven’t been doing nothing!

So, as I was starting to say, my transitioning journey has been evolving a little since I cut my hair. My youngest child also has noticed and I have been thinking about other aspects of myself that I feel don’t fit anymore. One aspect is that I have been trying for some time now to lose weight. In 2014 I had my last big mental health crisis, after which I finally decided I had no other choice then start taking medication. I have always been anxious and apprehensive about taking any kind of medication, as it also is a means of control over people. Which as an old punk I really don’t like. But in 2006, after finally being diagnosed with EUPD and Dystymic Disorder I went through some very intense therapy, group therapies of all kinds, for over 2.5 years, without medication. That therapy has helped to get some normality back in my day-to-day life, but it did not touch any of the underlying issues and past trauma.

In my orange F1 Max Verstappen top 😉

Anyway, after that crisis in 2014 the mental health team put me on the highest dose of Mirtazipine over a period which frankly changed my life. I have not had another crisis since. But it did mean I gained 30kg until I weighed 115kg at my heaviest (I am 6 foot tall, 1m80). The positives far outweighed (pun!) the negatives cause it allowed me to work fulltime for 5 years as a lorry driver and get my confidence back after a horrendous separation and divorce.

But now, I have asked my psychiatrist to wean me off mirtazipine and instead I get another anti-depressant which doesn’t have the weight gain side-effect. So hopefully I will lose some of that weight. Sadly it doesn’t mean I can come off all the other stuff I’m on either, but hey, I can live with the rest. So that is one change which hopefully is going to make me feel better about myself.

There is something else I want to share with you all though. I have been thinking about changing my name. Mayola is a female name, and I really would like to have a more neutral-male sounding name. How difficult is that though, to think of a name for yourself at age 47 that truly reflects how you feel and expresses your identity! I wanted a cool name, maybe to honour a fellow artist/revolutionary and then I knew it, it is going to be…..Kahlo. In honour and respect for Frida Kahlo who I feel is a great role model and fellow revolutionary artist. But obviously Frida is too feminine, but Kahlo is different and rare, and kind of cool I think.

So, there it is. The big reveal! Haha. So, if you do want to get in touch, please do, and address me as Kahlo, with they/them pronouns. And another trans term you might not know about; my old name is my ‘dead name’. Thank you for reading! Catch you next time.

Small Steps

Last night I was up late choosing hairstyles. Cause I decided a few day ago that one of the small steps I can take to discover my true identity is by having a haircut.

I have long hair, over my shoulders long and I shed a lot of it everywhere. It drives me nuts. All my laundry is always covered in my hair, it even ends up in my dinner sometimes. And don’t start about my shower drain! Yuk. It is always up in a bun, I brush it twice a day and that’s all I do with it. So I might as well cut it off.

In my teens and twenties I did loads of experimenting with my hair and look. I have had dreads, mohawks in all the colours of the rainbow, I had it completely shaven, so not a really big deal for me to do. But for everyone else around me it is always a shocker. I reckon that’s just a bonus. Lol!

Anyway, I made an appointment for tomorrow 12 o’clock. And I am going to take this photo with me as an example:

My new hairstyle

I will post before and after pics tomorrow, sadly I am not as pretty as this person in this picture but I’ll do my best to take a nice shot.

I am also thinking about taking a piercing. I discussed it with my 10 year old daughter but she thought it was awful 🙂 Not sure if I’m going to take any notice, we’ll see. I used to have a few piercings. I did one myself through my septum and I had two under my bottom lip. I tried lots of nostril piercings but they always got infected and never healed properly so I gave that up. And I have some ear piercings, but they are not even anything special.

Basically, my whole exterior is undergoing major scrutiny and a refurb. I am most days dressed in black, it’s my favourite colour. So that is already quite an androgynous look. But I do have female shapes in hips and bum so I struggle to find trousers or jeans in a male kind of way. I do have a major benefit; I am 6 feet tall (1.80m) and I have size 8-9 feet (EU42). It is extremely difficult to find typical female shoes in that size, and trousers is also a major issue, well, female trousers. Thank God I rather want to look like a male female, haha. I already bought a male denim jacket with wool lining. And I have lots of oversized t-shirts. But other than that, oh yes, I forgot my range of boots. I have Dr. Martens rigger boots, strangely they are in the female range but look very male. And I still have very good work boots which are definitely male, and all my high-viz work clothes which come in handy when I walk my dog Goliath this winter. But other than that, I either don’t fit some clothes or they are just not my style. So I definitely need some advice maybe.

What I wear nowadays is usually a pair of black leggings, and a long-sleeved shirt with a t-shirt over it. Or I have a few kind of dress-like tops. And a couple of oversized hoodies. It’s all very understated.

Anyways, that was me for today, I’ll talk to you again tomorrow.

No / Nee

19th of November 1992

NO, NO, NO

No man a woman

With a bald head

And not as you believed

Again a man

NEE, NEE, NEE

Geen man een vrouw

Met een kaal hoofd

En niet zoals jij hebt geloofd

Alweer een man